F is for Freaking Out (which is what I’m doing).
Yesterday during lunch I was redeeming my Lean Cuisine Delicious Rewards points online when I realized, hot dog on a hen house, I am extremely old.
What happened to the girl who wore tacky rainbow eye shadow and had piercings all over her face? Who is this girl entering points off of a diet plan frozen meal box top to win Tupperware online and saying things like “oh what a charming little fruit bowl”?! I feel like I’m having an “I’m turning 30 in six months” crisis and I’m totally freaking out. I keep wondering where the hell my 20’s went and how I became this strange little person racing to her 30’s at lightning speed.
Ten months ago I was fine with becoming a 30 something. I’m in the prime of my life! My artistic side has never been so satisfied, previous bouts of depression and anxiety have seemed to subside, I’m dating someone who loves, and respects me, and my career is finally more stable after years of ups and downs. But now that I’m staring at the last six months of my 20’s I’m starting to feel nostalgic. I’m starting to wish I could rewind my age and try it again. With this new found comfort I feel in my own skin I think I could do a better job if given another chance!
When I was 18 I thought I had it all figured out. I would be married with a kid, living in a nice starter home while working as a lawyer, or an artist, or a lounge singer, or… who knows what (I hadn’t figured it ALL out just yet). Snap to reality and I’m sitting in a tiny, messy apartment with no ring on my finger and a stinky fur baby I like to cradle and sing rock a by baby to in order to soothe the ovaries that are ringing the alarm on my biological clock.
I have all these deadlines set for myself, but I’m starting to wonder why. Why do I HAVE to be married just because all of my friends are? To be honest, marriage freaks me out just as much as my 30’s do. Sure, it’s nice to daydream about my perfect wedding with flowers, unicorns, and talking gnomes, but if I really sit and think about it I start to hyperventilate. I’ve realized that a part of me is just reverting back to my High school days when I hadn’t started my period like all my other friends. I didn’t want to feel left out when they complained about cramps, but when I actually DID get it I wanted to give it back.
Do I have to be married to have a baby? Can’t I buy a pretty diamond ring for myself? Plenty of women have kids on their own or adopt after they get their careers going, right? What’s wrong with being an independent woman, but also wanting to have children? I’m tired of having to do things on other people’s terms. Why can’t I do something I want to do without anyone else’s permission? Isn’t that a perk of being an adult? I work my ass off and do boring shit all day long so that when I have some free time I get to do what makes ME happy, right?
Who knows? Things will happen the way they are supposed to I guess, but for now I’m allowing myself to freak out a little. I’m going to let myself rush out and get whatever my version of a red convertible sports car is and enjoy what little time I have left with my 20’s. We had some good times, my 20’s and me, so in my opinion my little freak out is just me being sad to see a good friend go.
5 comments
Comment by Courtney on November 8, 2011 at 1:19 pm
I know how you feel! I’m not quite there yet (I’m only 27), but I’m already feeling a lot of that “crap! what happened? where did it all go? how did it go so fast?”. Being single and childless only exacerbates these feelings. I’m not dying to get married or have kids (both concepts sort of terrify me), but I always assumed I would have done one or both of these things by now. My mom married and had children young, so I think I always assumed I would too. Increasingly, I’m seeing high school friends announcing their engagements/marriages/pregnancies/births on Facebook and feel like I’m being left behind. On the other hand, I’m free to do whatever the hell I want! It’s an endless back and forth–I’m either perfectly content or perfectly miserable.
Comment by val gould on November 9, 2011 at 12:34 pm
love this! I don’t know If I’m actually freaking out yet or excited. I have been calling myself 30 since i turned 29 in june. lololol….I don’t know what that means. Myabe I am excited for 30 afterall…
I think 30 now days is like 20 was years ago. Don’t worry tera, your not old and you should be on your own schedule!
Comment by Sara S. on November 16, 2011 at 12:37 pm
“I work my ass off and do boring shit all day long so that when I have some free time I get to do what makes ME happy, right?”
I think that pretty much sums up adult life. And I’m ok with that.
Comment by MeghanSara on November 17, 2011 at 8:39 am
I’ve been telling people I’m 30 since I turned 27 to get used to the idea.
I think a lot of young people have difficulty figuring out what they want out of life, so they turn to the easiest thing to do: follow in their parents’ footsteps. They marry the first person who will say yes, have babies, and a lot of them have been divorced or separated from their spouses by now.
Whereas, on the other hand, self-actualization and trying to eke out a career that you love in this economy is so much harder and more valuable in the long run. That will stay with you long into your reproductive years, when you can support that family, and after all the potential mates who didn’t quite work out.
Also, marriage is terrifying, even if you love someone a ton.
Comment by Amber on November 17, 2011 at 11:51 am
I know what you mean. I am 26 and keep thinking,”Was that really that long ago?” and “Damn,I feel old!”. I also used to compare myself to other people: Why am I not married yet? Why don’t I have kids? When is it going to be my time? but then reality hits me and I think,”I AM 26. I am never going to be 26 again,so I might as well enjoy it the best I can.”