I is for Ignore.

As a blogger I’m putting my life and art online for anyone who finds their way to my corner of the internet to read. Because I’ve decided to make my life so accessible, I have to accept that I may run into people who, well…just don’t like me or find me interesting. As much as I tell myself that “Anonymous Commenter #17” is just a sad little person with a lot of pent up anger and immaturity, it still stings when they say mean things about my appearance or personality. My first instinct is to lash out and say, “no, YOU ARE! So THERE!”, but the adult in me quickly yanks me back down to earth and I realize that the only way to deal with this negativity is to ignore it and move on.

I’ve recently been dealing with some pretty intense negativity on the internet and I’d like to say that I’ve just ignored it, but honestly it really put me in a funk. While I didn’t fire back with negative comments and cruel remarks (that’s just not my style), I found myself wanting to hide from everyone who was calling me ugly (and other names I won’t write on my blog). I felt a little like I was being cyber bullied and it made me thank my lucky stars that Facebook wasn’t around when I was in high school.

After weeks of letting the nasty comments get me down, I decided enough is enough. I had kept quiet knowing full well that they would eventually move on if I didn’t give them more fuel for the fire, but part of ignoring these types of comments is also not letting them bother you.

Easier said than done, but I decided I was focusing my energy on the wrong things in life. I needed to focus on my wedding, my fiancé, my friends, my work and my art. I also needed to focus my internet browsing on positive, confident women like Amy and her Summer of Self Love campaign.

Kaelah who is always challenging people’s flawed ideas of feminism.

Sara who is brave enough to be honest about the struggles of motherhood.

Chantilly and Elycia for making me laugh all the time with their cute vlogs, and so many more girls that I’ve gotten to know and love through blogging.

By ignoring negativity I am taking back the power, being the better person, and discouraging their behavior by not giving them the reaction they are hoping for. And that feels way more satisfying than throwing insults back and forth behind the safety of our computers.

H is for Happiness.

The past few weeks have been very…interesting. I’ve felt like my world was collapsing at a rate I wasn’t prepared for, but sometimes these kinds of sudden changes can turn your life up-side down and present you with unexpected opportunities.

I have felt frustrated, lost, tired, uninspired, and moody for weeks if not months and when I get in these moods I try my hardest to avoid people who do not deserve my wrath. But like most things in life I can’t always avoid shitty situations and my live in boyfriend and 9-5 job forced me to interact with people on an hourly basis.

With nowhere to turn for some alone time, I turned into a beast like creature who threw tantrums and went on tirades because of the most miniscule annoyances. If someone cleared their throat too much at work I would find myself google mapping secluded places to dump a body. Things started to spiral out of control fast and if I didn’t make a change soon I was going to lose my mind.

Now that I’ve dragged you through this cry fest, I will get to the point. Happiness. I have decided to be happy now. Just as easy as that, right? Well, yeah. It kind of is. If there are things that are making me miserable or unfulfilled then why keep them in my life? Though I cannot just snap my fingers and make things magically happen, I can take steps that push me closer to happiness.

I have big things in the works. BIG, BIG things. The kinds of things that I thought were a little crazy at first so I said to my family and close friends, “wouldn’t it be crazy if I ____?” just to see what their reactions would be and I was shocked to see how much faith they all have in me.

I’m really trying to put myself out there and take more risks. Complacency is so easy, but I refuse to be a robot who schleps along with no passion just because it’s what you’re “supposed” to do.

I just need to be happy with myself and my life and hopefully make a few other people happy in the process.

G is for Grin and Bear It.

One of my resolutions for the month is to stop with all the complaining (I’m doing monthly resolutions this year because year long resolutions seem overwhelming to me right now).

Things have been tough for me lately. I’ve been extremely overwhelmed at work while still trying to enjoy a little relaxation, and keep up with art and crafts, but after a while I just couldn’t keep up. I ended up getting sick on my work trip to Florida and I stayed sick for an entire month. I spent a lot of time lying on the couch feeling sorry for myself and I complained…a lot. It got to the point where I started annoying myself with all my complaining and I felt sorry for anyone who made the mistake of asking me how work was going. I stopped blogging and pretty much shut myself off from the world until I could dig myself out of this nasty funk I was in.

One afternoon I asked a co-worker, “what can we do to fix this?” and I sort of realized that I needed to approach all of my own complaints this way.

What can I do to fix it so that it’s no longer an issue? If I can’t fix it, then why the hell am I wasting my time complaining about it?!

I realized then that I needed to put things into perspective. If I was really unhappy with what I was dealing with at work I needed to change it, find a new job, or I had to learn how to grin and bear it.

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When I first went to college I was a rebellious, disrespectful, scared little know it all who wanted nothing to do with “the college experience”. I didn’t care about sororities and the thought of dorm life seemed like a nightmare. But the real reason I shied away from going to a four year college right out of high school was because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I mean sure I had dreams of moving to Vegas and becoming a lounge singer or a painter, but I didn’t want to be a starving artist or live in my parents’ guest room until I was 40. I had to choose a real trade and I had to do it fast.

I piddled around at community colleges and worked retail jobs until I figured out where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. It took me six long years to earn a Bachelor’s Degree in Advertising.

Once I graduated it was full speed ahead and before I could even think about what I wanted for my future I was moving to a city I didn’t want to live in for an opportunity I couldn’t refuse. I wasn’t working in Advertising like I thought I would, but I soon realized that I had a bright future in online production.

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I’ve worked hard for the past five years to market myself and land jobs where I could learn, grow, network and advance my career, but it hasn’t been easy. Being laid off at MTV, Disney and Union Bank was a blow to my ego and my confidence, but I had to grin and bear it. Complaining wasn’t going to pay my bills so I picked my ego up off the floor and dove head first into my job search each time. I’m not going to lie, there were moments where I was crying hysterically and telling myself (and anyone who would listen) that I would never find a good job again, but we all have those moments from time to time.

Why now then have I gone from determination and vigor to discouragement and resentment? Shouldn’t I approach the struggles within the job I worked so hard to acquire the same way I approached the devastation I felt when I had lost multiple jobs in a short amount of time?

I’ve thought so much about where I want to be in the next 3-5 years with my career, my relationships, my lack of motherhood, my home and at one point I decided I would quit my job, go back to San Diego and open up a boutique shop where I would sell my arts and crafts out of my trunk back alley style. I’d live pay check to pay check, I’d probably even fail, but at least I would be doing what I love. But with the exception of the past month or so I have to admit that I really DO like the work I’m doing in my career and I’m good at it.

So with ALL that said…no more bellyaching. No more feeling sorry for myself and dragging friends and co-workers through my work shit. If I’m going to enjoy my life as much as I can while I’m here then I am going to have to stand up and cause change when I can and grin and bear it when I can’t.

F is for Freaking Out (which is what I’m doing).

Yesterday during lunch I was redeeming my Lean Cuisine Delicious Rewards points online when I realized, hot dog on a hen house, I am extremely old.

What happened to the girl who wore tacky rainbow eye shadow and had piercings all over her face? Who is this girl entering points off of a diet plan frozen meal box top to win Tupperware online and saying things like “oh what a charming little fruit bowl”?! I feel like I’m having an “I’m turning 30 in six months” crisis and I’m totally freaking out. I keep wondering where the hell my 20’s went and how I became this strange little person racing to her 30’s at lightning speed.

Ten months ago I was fine with becoming a 30 something. I’m in the prime of my life! My artistic side has never been so satisfied, previous bouts of depression and anxiety have seemed to subside, I’m dating someone who loves, and respects me, and my career is finally more stable after years of ups and downs. But now that I’m staring at the last six months of my 20’s I’m starting to feel nostalgic. I’m starting to wish I could rewind my age and try it again. With this new found comfort I feel in my own skin I think I could do a better job if given another chance!

When I was 18 I thought I had it all figured out. I would be married with a kid, living in a nice starter home while working as a lawyer, or an artist, or a lounge singer, or… who knows what (I hadn’t figured it ALL out just yet). Snap to reality and I’m sitting in a tiny, messy apartment with no ring on my finger and a stinky fur baby I like to cradle and sing rock a by baby to in order to soothe the ovaries that are ringing the alarm on my biological clock.

I have all these deadlines set for myself, but I’m starting to wonder why. Why do I HAVE to be married just because all of my friends are? To be honest, marriage freaks me out just as much as my 30’s do. Sure, it’s nice to daydream about my perfect wedding with flowers, unicorns, and talking gnomes, but if I really sit and think about it I start to hyperventilate. I’ve realized that a part of me is just reverting back to my High school days when I hadn’t started my period like all my other friends. I didn’t want to feel left out when they complained about cramps, but when I actually DID get it I wanted to give it back.

Do I have to be married to have a baby? Can’t I buy a pretty diamond ring for myself? Plenty of women have kids on their own or adopt after they get their careers going, right? What’s wrong with being an independent woman, but also wanting to have children? I’m tired of having to do things on other people’s terms. Why can’t I do something I want to do without anyone else’s permission? Isn’t that a perk of being an adult? I work my ass off and do boring shit all day long so that when I have some free time I get to do what makes ME happy, right?

Who knows? Things will happen the way they are supposed to I guess, but for now I’m allowing myself to freak out a little. I’m going to let myself rush out and get whatever my version of a red convertible sports car is and enjoy what little time I have left with my 20’s. We had some good times, my 20’s and me, so in my opinion my little freak out is just me being sad to see a good friend go.

E is for Escape.

Lately I’ve been extremely busy, a little overwhelmed, a little frazzled. I’ve been feeling a little under achieving, uninspired, un rested. All I keep thinking to myself is when the heck did I ever have time to blog, craft, spend time with Emma, draw, go to the bathroom, eat food, sleep, AND go to work?!

I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blog and the whole eating and going to the bathroom thing lately. But then I had a revelation. It’s OK to take a break. It’s OK to take time away from things I love (like blogging and crafting) for the PEOPLE I love or just to get some rest. It’s OK to have date night with my sweetie instead of spending time on that quilt I’m working on or editing those photos from the trip we just took. It’s OK to spend my night eating cheese puffs and watching Teen Mom, Awkward, and Project Runway.

Escape doesn’t just mean taking a vacation. As someone who just got back from a vacation I can tell you that the cliche around the office is true, “I need a vacation from my vacation”. I hear it every time I ask someone how their trip was while making small talk in the halls.

So what do I really mean when I say escape? I mean telling my conscience to back off when it’s nagging at me to get off the couch and make something. It means not getting distracted by thinking of all the awesome things I could be creating while I’m out to dinner with my honey. It also means not feeling guilty for leaving work on time the day after I’ve put in a 12 hour shift just because someone else is working late again. It means not even thinking about work once I get in my car and drive away.

I think I deserve a little escape. I think I need to escape from my everyday rituals and take care of the things I’ve been neglecting like house cleaning and exercise (or maybe I’ll just read a book instead).

The next letter on my list of self improvement is C! C is for CONFIDENCE.

The kind of confidence I hope to find will allow me to be 100% comfortable with myself (flaws and all). It’s the kind of confidence that will allow me to learn from my mistakes rather than make excuses for them. The kind of confidence that will help me walk out of my house without a stitch of make-up on feeling  just as beautiful as I do when I’m all dolled up. It’s the kind of confidence that will save me from being the type of woman who tries to find flaws in beautiful and talented women before complimenting and befriending them. The kind of confidence that guides me in my quest to be a better girlfriend, friend, daughter, career woman, crafter, blogger, and mother (someday).

I thought today was a good day to write this post because I don’t feel very pretty. We all have those days where even our best dress and prettiest shade of eye shadow won’t help, right? I just feel so…blah, ugh, aaahhhhhhh! You know?

As a shy, sensitive kid and wildly hormonal teenager I never thought I was good enough. My thighs were too big, my boobs were too small (or rather non-existent), I hated my nose (mean people used to call me big nose), my upper lip was too thin, my legs were too short, my hair was too stringy, my voice was too mousy, my feet were too big, and everyone was smarter than me (I thought). I wanted to be someone else for a very long time. I put WAY too much emphasis on negativity and never focused on any of the positive attributes I possessed! I should have been thinking about the fact that I was musically inclined (I sang and played the flute), I picked up drawing and crafting with ease, I was a very good cheerleader (I even went pro with a co-ed team back in my day), I was a caring person who valued my friendships, and I really was a smart kid who learned quickly in school.

That’s me in the air in all those photos. When I made the team they liked my fire engine red hair, but wanted to tone it down a bit. Make my hair a more natural red rather than rock n roll red. As you can see from the photos…the hair stylist made me a blonde. Anyway, back to business…

With age I’ve seen a vast improvement in my confidence. I’m far less shy than I once was, I don’t have nearly as many body image issues, I don’t let people’s ignorant comments (like calling me big nose) bother me quite as much, and I’ve been much better at focusing on my strengths rather than dwelling on my imperfections. That being said, I still have a lot of room for growth in the confidence department.

When my girlfriend Vanessa got married last year my high school friends and I were spending more time with some of the friends she’s made through her now husband’s co workers. At one point I saw a couple of the girls looking in my direction then whispering to each other. Automatically I thought to myself “oh my god they are talking about how weird I am. They hate me. They are totally saying horrible things about me! They think this outfit makes my butt look fat! I have food in my teeth! They hate the gift baskets I made!” later on they asked me where I had gotten my dress/accessories, and told me that I always looked so cute. My brain is crazy sometimes.

It’s amazing how I let my own insecurities skew reality. This experience woke me up a little. Though I still have those adolescent “what if they don’t like me” moments I’ve gotten a little better at not jumping to conclusions and villainizing people by putting words into their mouths or thoughts into their brains.

For this installment of “Better Me From A to Z”

I vow to:

stop putting myself down.

stop assuming everyone has a negative opinion of me.

stop making faces at myself in the mirror when the horribly unflattering lights in the bathroom at work make me look like a zombie (it’s the lighting, not me).

stop comparing myself to other women.

stop letting my mistakes haunt me for days. File them away for future Tera to learn from. Find a way to fix it and move on.

find one good thing about everyone around me (even the people I don’t mesh well with). I believe that part of having self confidence is being able to see the good in others too.

compliment people out loud instead of just in my head. (There are a lot of reasons for me to do this one. When I compliment other people I see how it makes them feel and for me, putting other people in a good mood, even just for a moment, puts me in a good mood and I can’t be confident if I’m in a bad mood. Also, being a shy person this will help me open the doors to conversations with new potential friends!)

compliment myself. It’s not vein or arrogant to think you possess positive qualities, or to think you look pretty in your new dress. If you don’t think you look pretty or that you’re smart or talented, then who will?

be OK with the fact that not everyone is going to like me, my art, my blog, my clothes, or my looks. The people who mean the most to me do like me and that’s all I can really ask for!

Thanks for reading! I’m about to go have my hair colored and cut. Coincidentally, the color they were SUPPOSED to color my hair when I cheered for the San Diego Sockers!

B is for “be BRAVE enough to be yourself”. Sounds easy enough, right? Well I’ve struggled with this for years. I’ve always been pretty quiet, shy, and awkward around people I don’t know. I’m terrible with small talk, and I tend to clam up around large groups (and by large I mean more than two people).  A few times people have called me a “bitch who thinks she’s better than everyone” because I didn’t talk much, but I’m actually really friendly! I’m a goof ball, I don’t think I’m better than anyone, I don’t take myself too seriously, and I like making new friends. I am much more likely to compliment you than talk about you behind your back. I am compassionate, respectful, and super sensitive (so those comments stung a little). If I had just been myself around these people instead of being worried about them thinking I was weird then they might have liked me.

As you can see I haven’t changed much since I was a goofy little sassy kid.

I’ve spent many years branded as the weird girl (and maybe I am a little weird. I’m OK with that! Sure beats being boring!). Some people think I’m goth (Seriously. More than one person has called me goth) because I like horror films and accessories with skulls on them. Some people think I’m too girly because everything I own is pink and my desk is filled with My Little Pony dolls and cupcake trinkets. I can sit here all day and tell you that I don’t care what people think about me. I wish that were true, but I do care what people think. Everyone does to some degree whether you’d like to admit it or not.

I did this creepy photo in college to represent the two sides of myself. The smiley one is my girly side. Frowny pants is my “goth side”

And here’s me just pallin’ around on a Friday night.

A couple of years ago after I got out of a very difficult abusive relationship I decided that I was going to stop being what I thought people wanted me to be and just be myself. I have to tell you, I have never been happier. I’ve had so many people tell me how much I make them laugh with my strange Facebook posts and my crappy little drawings. My creativity comes from my strange little brain so I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

So for this A to Z I promise that I will no longer make apologies for my sense of humor, my sense of style, my creativity, my sexuality, my education, my career, my lofty goals or my attainable goals, my mistakes, my growth, my flaws, my opinions, my faith, or my femininity. I will never again take off an outfit because I’m worried that people won’t think green is my color. I will never feel ashamed of the mistakes I’ve made as long as I’ve learned from them. I will never censor my art in fear that someone else will be offended or weirded out by it. I will never be afraid to stand up for myself if I’m being wronged (even at work).

One thing I constantly have to remind myself is that It’s OK if someone doesn’t like me or my art, it’s inevitable. Even my own mother doesn’t like some of my art. And I don’t care for everyone I meet or all the art I see either. That’s just how life is. Once I stopped paralyzing myself with the constant need for approval from everyone around me I found that more people liked the real me than the me I was trying to be. The real me is complex and ever-changing so I still don’t know everything about myself, but I’m eager to see what kind of wife, mother, friend, career woman, crafter, and artist I will be ten, twenty, thirty years from now. All I can hope for is that I will still be brave enough to be myself.

As I was typing this post I thought about something I read on Kaelah’s blog and Elizabeth’s blog about an article that caused quite a stir (I don’t even want to link to it from my blog because it made me so angry). I bring it up because they talk a little bit about being yourself. Very well written and empowering posts. You should read them if you haven’t already.

When I posted my first Better Me From A to Z post someone asked me to give some tips on packing lunches instead of eating out. It can be healthier and save lots of money! I don’t know about you, but I’d rather buy pretty clothes or art supplies than bland food from my work commissary. Well…here are some of my tips

pack your lunch the night before: If you’re like me you want to sleep as late as you possibly can in the mornings. It’s so easy to fall out of a lunch packing routine if you let yourself sleep in a few days in a row. Lance has been packing my lunch for me everyday (isn’t he sweet) and I enjoy my homemade peanut butter and honey sandwich much more than the ten dollar sandwiches I was eating at the commissary.

make your own frozen lunches: On your day off cook some chicken, steam some rice (if you freeze steamed rice then microwave it in a plastic bag it tastes just as good as freshly steamed rice!).

when cooking dinner make a little extra: This tip is from my mom. She likes to cook more than my dad and her will eat for dinner. If she cooks chicken and potatoes for dinner she will add the extra chicken she prepared to a salad for lunch the next day.

mix it up: Personally, I could eat the same thing everyday for a month and never get sick of it, but I’m sure most people are not this way. Changing up your lunch will prevent you from getting bored and feeling like you’re on a diet.

make a snazzy reusable lunch bag: This one is my favorite. Make your lunch a fashion accessory! Make a couple of them so you can match your lunch with your outfits . There is list of cute lunch bag tutorials here.

Have any tips of your own? Share!

Inspired by Kaelah and Danielle I’ve decided to get out of this frustration funk I’ve been in lately and help myself become a better, happier, stronger, more positive person. Starting with the letter A for “ACTION” I begin A Better Me From A to Z!

Lately I’ve been feeling very frustrated and irritable. I don’t like my mess, my lack of motivation, my diet, I feel like I’m drifting apart from some of my friends, I want to have the energy to get out more, I don’t want to let work stress me out so much, and so on and so forth. After a long stretch of time spent feeling sorry for myself I’ve realized that every item on my list of frustrations is something I can change! Well, then I felt like an ass for not doing something sooner. If I was so miserable with everything why was I sitting on the couch watching “Say Yes to the Dress” marathons and crying over Lifetime movies? Why was I stuffing candy, cookies, and soda into my mouth?! Why wasn’t I doing something about it?!

I decided I needed to start my self help journey by taking action. If I don’t like something about myself or my life I need to change it. Seems so simple in hind sight, but I really needed to figure out where to start. It’s overwhelming when you’re staring at a heap of junk you need to sort through. Sometimes you just don’t know where to start!

• I thought I’d begin by figuring out what was making me the MOST miserable
  • my health
  • my productivity
  • my mess
• Next I needed to set attainable and measurable goals for restructuring my life and doing away with all this frustration.
  • cook more meals at home and pack better lunches for work
  • start a steady workout program and STICK TO IT! No excuses!
  • it’s OK to watch TV, but I also need to be drawing, sewing, making jewelry, creating something, ANYTHING while doing so. I can’t allow myself to veg out in front of “Toddlers & Tiaras” or I will feel miserable.
  • clean any room in the apartment for ten minutes per day NO MATTER HOW TIRED I AM.

Want to join the fun? Take action with me! Or make up your own A step share it with me. I’d love to hear what you all have to say.