After breakup or divorce you and your ex are still talking, and you are realizing that there might be a way to become more intimate… You’ve picked up on your ex’s hints, or maybe you’re wondering how you could get them back into your bed. Whether or not you want to get back together, there are some things you should know about having sex with your ex that will help you to gage whether or not it’s a good idea in your situation!
In this article you’ll learn all about what happens when two exes sleep together and whether or not you can use it to your advantage. Emotions run high after breakups so it’s important to take care of yourself and ensure that you can move towards your ultimate goal in the best way possible. Sex with an ex is risky business, but there are situations in which it can be used to your advantage. Keep on reading to find out!
HOW COME MY EX ONLY WANTS SEX?
Physical attraction is one of the first things that bring two people into a relationship. Of course there are emotions, excitement, shared interests, but the physical aspect is huge. I’ve seen couples separate because even though everything in their relationship was perfect, their sex lives were lacking. That said, I have also seen couples separate because their emotional tie just wasn’t strong enough, but that didn’t mean that their carnal desire for one another was extinguished!
This is the type of situation you might have found yourself in if you’re thinking “My ex wants to have sex… What should I do?” Perhaps because of lack of communication, or The Routine you and your partner decided to call things off. Maybe you don’t even know why exactly things ended, but now you’re seeing that your ex wants to have sex with you. Sexual desire is not easy to control at all, and it’s the same for both of you.
Sure, it’s extremely tempting. You remember how it was… The passion, the fiery look in your ex’s eyes when they looked at you. We are sexual beings and when you meet someone you physically connect so well with… Well, it’s not surprising that you’d have a tough time forgetting about it. So now it’s up to you to figure out whether or not your want to have sex with your ex.
Sleeping with an ex is a way for a person to make an easier transition from being in a relationship to being single, but that does not always mean that it’s a good idea. Your ex doesn’t want to be totally alone but also doesn’t feel like they can invest in a relationship. Not to mention the fact that human beings are drawn towards pleasure.
Your ex maybe doesn’t want to be single and lose a sexual partner, so desire becomes a need. Was your physical bond the thing that was holding your relationship together at the end?
Basically, if the sex was good but the relationship wasn’t, it could account for why your ex only wants sex from you. It’s a strange feeling because on one hand it’s kind of flattering (more so if you want your ex back) but on the other hand it’s making you feel uneasy and you’re wondering if it’s a good idea.
Another reason why your ex still wants to have sex could simply be that they’re not sure of their feelings. If they broke up with you, they might be doubting their decision to leave and are trying to feel out what it would be like to be with you again without having to calling it a relationship yet. If you left them, it might be their way of trying to keep you around.
Perhaps your ex wants to sleep together because you’re familiar and you’re available. They don’t feel like they need to go out of their way to get you in bed. It’s comforting to be intimate and familiar with someone, but that doesn’t mean that it’s going to help you get closer to your goal, whether or not you want your ex back!
And maybe the ex wants sex simply because they miss having you around. When this happens, it’s important to make them figure out what they want. It’s up to you to decide whether or not you’re ok with being friends with benefits with your ex. If you’re not, it’s not a good idea to have sex with your ex!
DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH MY EX?
Alright so that answer to “Do I have to sleep with my ex” is obviously no, but let’s look at some situations in which you might be wondering if it will help you get to your goal. Sex with your ex can open a whole can of worms so if you’re not prepared, things could end up backfiring on a major scale.
In order to know what’s best for you, it’s important to understand the situation. There are certain circumstances under which you should not sleep with your ex! For example, if you’ve decided that this relationship isn’t right for you and you want to move on, you should stay out of your ex’s bed. Sex brings two people closer together, even if you’re just cuddling, your brain releases oxytocin (which is a bonding chemical), and you instantly feel closer. This is not going to do anything to help you move on and turn a new leaf…
It’s of course tempting, especially if you’ve had a glass or two to drink. It’s just for fun right? Believe me if you really want to move on, avoid sex with the ex at all costs.
SLEEPING WITH YOUR EX: I’M NOT SURE ABOUT WHAT I WANT
As I mentioned above, sometimes an ex wants to have sex because they aren’t sure about what they feel for you and are using sex as a means to gage what they want. But there is another possibility as well; maybe you’re the one who isn’t sure about what you feel.
It’s important to avoid having regret if you want your love life to be really fulfilling. If you’re thinking, “my ex only wants sex” and you’re not sure of what you want, it would be best to take a step back! No one is forcing you to spend the night with them, even if you still live together. Sleeping in separate bedrooms is sometimes best; especially if you don’t want any misunderstandings. Just because you’re sleeping together doesn’t mean you’re back together!
During this time it’s totally normal for a person to feel vulnerable and want to fall back into the arms of the person they had been in a relationship with just because it’s easy. The truth is that in times like this, having sex with your ex only makes matters even more complicated. You’re going to feel physically closer and it will make you feel more confused. If you need to figure out what you feel, having sex with ex is exactly what you should not do. Instead, take some time apart because time and distance are the only things that are going to make things clear in your mind.
EX WANTS SEX: BUT I DON’T KNOW IF THEY STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME
Perhaps you’re wondering “should I have sex with my ex” because you’re tempted, but at the same time you’d like to get a better idea of what they feel for you! Sure, you might feel closer in the moment, but if anything, it might just make both of you feel more confused.
If you’re thinking, “My ex wants to have sex,” it’s not a telltale sign that they still have feelings for you. As I wrote above, sex is fun, it’s easy with an ex, and they might be just be using it as a way to transition from being in a relationship to being 100% single. Now, if you want your ex to have feelings for you, sex is also not the way to make them fall for you. In the second part of this article I will explain what you need to do to make your ex come back.
For now, don’t use sex as a tool to try and make this happen.
If you definitely don’t have feelings for your ex but you’re thinking that they might have feelings for you, sex with a ex should still be avoided. There’s no reason to make them feel closer to you and then not let it turn into anything serious. There’s no reason to cause more pain or confusion. A breakup is hard enough as it is!
SHOULD I HAVE SEX WITH MY EX IF I WANT THEM BACK
Ahh, so what happens if you want your ex back? Should you have sex with your ex as a means to lure them back in? As you’ve undoubtedly understood, in the majority of cases it’s a bad idea. All it does it make things more confusing and more painful when it doesn’t go any further. But there is a situation in which sex can be used as a tool to make your ex return to you. I’ll explain in a moment.
SEX WITH THE EX IS RARELY A GOOD THING…
Perhaps you’re still not convinced that sleeping with an ex is such a bad thing if you want them back. Maybe you’re thinking that if you’re being intimate, it means that things are improving, right? You’re becoming closer, right? Well let me ask you this: Why exactly did you and your ex partner break up, and will sex make it right?
If you aren’t hoping to get back together, and your ex wants sex and you give in, you’re both just postponing the inevitable. At one point you’re going to have to mourn the relationship and allow yourself to heal and move on. Think of it as a Band-Aid. If you don’t rip it off in one quick motion, it’ll be a long, drawn out and unnecessarily painful process. Not to mention, it is very likely that one of you will start developing feelings for the other, and could result in even more heartbreak.
There’s also the possibility that your ex wants “casual sex with an ex” and will end up using you. They probably aren’t doing it on purpose, but it’s still not fair to you. Sex without commitment is like giving your ex cake and letting them eat it too. Sometimes you even start lying to yourself thinking, “Oh they’re using me just as much as I’m using them,” but it’s very rare for a person to truly believe that. There’s no point in lying to yourselves.
THERE ARE CERTAIN SITUATIONS IN WHICH IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO TAKE SEX WITH YOUR EX!
After all this time I’ve spent harping about how bad it is to sleep with your ex in almost every situation, you might be surprised to find that there are some times when it could actually help you get them back. Under these circumstances, the answer to can I have sex with my exdepends on two things: how long you were together, and if lack of sex was the reason behind your separation.
When two people separate after a short relationship, sex can be actually used to bring them closer together again. You hadn’t had the time to develop a deep emotional bond and so the physical bond can be used to your advantage. If this is the case for you, you’ll have to focus on seduction to attract your ex back, and we’ve got an entire piece that you can read on how to do that here.
If the lack of sex in your relationship happened to be the reason behind your breakup, then it can absolutely be used as a means to get back together. In fact, it’s probably the simplest way to do so! All you have to do when you’re thinking I want to have sex with my ex is to work on seducing them again and then take more of an initiative to be intimate. Perhaps your ex didn’t feel appreciated or desired, so once you get them back in bed with you, show them how much you care.
BE CAREFUL NOT TO BECOME YOUR EX’S FRIEND WITH BENEFITS!
The line between just sleeping with an ex and becoming their friend with benefits is very thin. The thing that makes the difference is how often you have sex with your ex. When you begin to have regular one night stand with your ex, you risk allowing your relationship to simply stay in this state of “in between.” You’re not together, but you’re also not completely separated.
It doesn’t matter who is instigating, the issue is that aside from a roll in the sheets, there’s no connection, no tenderness, and no real intimacy. If you allow this to continue, you’re basically allowing your ex to have all he advantages of a relationship, without any of the investment or challenge.
Now I realize that a lot of people are very happy with this type of no-strings-attached relationship, and if this is your choice then more power to you. The only thing is that this isn’t just anyone we’re talking about here. It’s your ex; the person you used to share your life with and you used to share so much. So having sex with your ex is a very easy way to set yourself up for getting hurt. It’s so rare for neither of the two exes to develop feelings for the other person again.
If you realize that you’re secretly hoping to get back together and you’re hoping that sex will do the trick, be careful. If your ex begins to see you as their friend with benefits, it’s not going to be easy to step out from underneath this label. Perhaps you’re afraid of no longer being in touch and you feel that sex with your ex will ensure that they remain in your life. This isn’t the healthiest approach so I’d suggest that you switch your focus to developing a fulfilling friendship.
The most important thing to do is to take a step back and put things in perspective in order to pinpoint which approach is going to be the best for you. Yes, some people succeed in getting back together by sleeping with their ex, but these cases are very rare. If you’d like to know more about what techniques are available to you (especially if you’ve already started sleeping with your ex,) I highly recommend setting up an appoint with us!
IF SEX WITH AN EX ISN’T THE ONLY WAY TO GET THEM BACK, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
If there’s one thing you take from this article, let it be this: Your ex will want you back as soon as you present a challenge.
It’s not surprising that you might be thinking, “I wanna have sex with my ex,” but it’s not going to get you anywhere unless you make them work for it. Let’s take a moment to think about human nature; When you really work for something and invest in it, you appreciate it much more than if you had just received it without having to put forth any effort. Relationships between two people work the same way.
Making it easy for an ex to sleep with you is not going to suddenly make them realize that you’re the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. The trick is making them realize that it’s worth the effort to be with you.
Similarly, if you abruptly take something away from someone, they will miss it even more. So if you want to get back together, instead of still having sex with ex, let’s look at how exactly you can get your ex back.
INSTEAD OF SLEEPING WITH AN EX, LURE THEM BACK WITH NO CONTACT
If you’re not familiar with the no contact rule, it’s basically cutting contact with your ex for a period of 1 to 3 months. It’s scary, it’s hard, and it requires a lot of self control and patience, but it is the single most effective method for getting an ex back. And it obviously does not involve sex with ur ex! The goal of the no contact rule is to make your ex fear losing you!
So depending on how messy your break up was, instead of obliging when your ex wants to have sex, you cut contact with them for at least 30 days. That means not even a text, an email, or a phone call. Make sure you stay off of their social media profiles, and don’t “accidentally” bump into them somewhere.
If they reach out to you, you have to resist the urge to respond! If you give in, you’ll be right back at square one and they’ll feel that they can get your attention whenever they feel like it.
Even if you’ve already started having sex with your ex, they’ll be even more taken off guard if you suddenly disappear. They will start to wonder what happened and why you’re not speaking to them anymore. Before you know it, they’ll begin to wonder if they made the right choice to separate from you.
During this time apart, it’s very important to focus on certain things…
INSTEAD OF HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EX: FOCUS ON SELF IMPROVEMENT
Instead of having sex with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, your goal should actually be self improvement. You can vastly improve your life, all the while getting you closer to your ex. The goal of self-improvement when getting your ex back (aside from bettering your life,) is to remind your ex of the person they fell in love with and becoming an even better version of them.
During this time, take some time out for yourself and focus on your hobbies and projects. Spend time with your friends and family, and hit the gym. Focus on making yourself happier and you’ll see that you’ll attract people like never before. A genuine smile is like a magnet.
Building up your self-confidence will help you in all aspects of your life.
Another thing to note is that when you break up with someone, it’s crucial to accept and understand the break up whether or not you want to get back together with your ex. Pinpointing what wasn’t functioning in your relationship will allow you to come up with appropriate solutions in the future. Accepting the breakup also allows you to heal and move forward. In the future, if you get back together, you will have to construct a new, more solid relationship. Breakups never happen without a reason, so if you’ve been able to understand what went wrong and can offer the best solutions, you’ll ensure that your new relationship will be better than ever before.
SEX WITH YOUR EX: WAIT FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT
After you’ve taken the time to grow, heal, and figure out what needed to change, you can start getting back in touch with your ex. When you do, avoid jumping right into sleeping with your ex, or even talking about the breakup for that matter. At first, you have to simply show them the new and improved version of yourself, and this will inevitably make them start thinking about what it would be like to be back in your arms.
Once you start luring them in and becoming closer, you must still take your time jumping into sex with the ex. After you’ve reestablished contact and you’ve started talking again, you can begin to flirt a bit. At first, keep it ambiguous, and remember: don’t bring up the relationship or the break up too soon. Think of this as a way to begin a new relationship with your ex!
The ideal thing would be to start having sex with your ex once you realize that you’ve succeeded in making them want to invest in a relationship. It’s very likely that you’ll start seeing their interest early on, but you’ve got to draw it out. Not only must you keep their interest by continuing to show them how much you’ve improved and how exciting your life is, you have to continue improving your life and making them realize how much they want to be with you again. Sex will inevitably happen, so do what’s in your power to ensure that it’s not premature and that it doesn’t give your ex the wrong idea about you.
SLEEPING WITH MY EX WHEN WE’RE BACK TOGETHER: KEEPING THE FLAME ALIVE
A common mistake I see is when a person gets back together with their ex and says, “I slept with my ex now what?” When you begin a new relationship with your ex, don’t neglect seduction just because you’ve reached your goal. The easiest thing is getting your ex back; the hardest thing is actually keeping them.
So when you begin a new relationship, never lose sight of innovation. Relationships begin to suffer when the excitement dwindles. It’s completely normal for things to change once the honeymoon stages, but don’t let The Routine creep in and make your relationship stagnant!
Sex with your ex should continue happening throughout your entire relationship because it only brings you closer. Think of ways to surprise your ex and to keep the flame alive. The better you get to know your partner, the easier it will be to surprise them.
To summarize, unless you were in a very short relationship with them, use sex with your ex as a means to fortify your relationship when you get back together; not as a means to get back together.
Your relationship expert for knowing whether or not to have sex with your ex